I'm Not A Monster, Right?
by Sterwolf59
Summary: Pain fades, but the scars sometimes remain on our hearts. Can Colm fight his darkest demons? Can Paul come to terms with things he couldn't have controlled? -Celtic Thunder Category, Rated: M for sexual content, violence, language. Sequel to 'I Don't'-
1. Part 1

**(Hey guys I abandoned the irish accent writing. I hope you enjoy this chapter it was hard on my heart to write. Rest in peace George Donaldson. -Love, Sterwolf59)**

None of us knew what to do. We all were also in shock. We were all in Ryan's and Neil's appartment. Paul was in one of the bedrooms alone, Ryan was holding Neil on the couch, Damian and Keith were sitting quietly by the windows leading to the balcony holding hands. Seana and Declan were sitting in chairs across from Neil and Ryan. Our guitarist Dave had went home, along with Barry and Kieran. Nicole was sitting at the table with me and Emmet, Laura had left with Sharon and David to go pick up food for us to eat. I think they were the only ones who cared that none of us had eaten all day especially not since this morning.

We were about a week before our first concert and since I had become friends with Ryan and Damian I had taken to jogging early with them and we were just about done when Ryan's phone went off. Damian and I laughed about a comment Damian said, and we saw Ryan's face pale.

"Ryan, whats wrong?" Damian asked confused.

"Is Neil alright?" I ventured to guess.

"Guys, it's George-" With those words our entire day had got swept into a frenzy of absolutely nothing to do. George had a heart attack in his sleep, and in the morning when Paul woke up in his arms he noticed the scottsman wasn't breathing. Nothing could have been done, he was already gone. We all went to meet Paul at the appartment that George and him had got a month or so ago, and he was just sitting on the floor in the livingroom and it took Ryan and Keith to get him up, so trying to benefit him, we took him to Ryan and Neil's appartment, and now we all were just sitting around talking very minimally. Nicole took a deep breath, and got up walking over to the door, with a light knock she spoke quietly to the door.

"Paul, it's Nicole. I'm gonna come in, okay?" No response came, so she slowly opened the door, closing it behind here. I looked over at Emmet, whose face was solemn. I didn't know George very well but I did know he was the father of the group and Paul's boyfriend, so I understood the sadness that hung in the air. I reached out and touch Emmet's hands which were folded on the table. He looked up at me and gave me a very small smile. The opened and we all looked in snyc and Sharon and Laura came walking in with boxes, David a couple steps behind with soda. Everyone moved slowly and Ryan helped dished out everybody pizza while Neil helped pour cups, nobody really spoke.

"I'm going to head off,call me if you guys need anything okay?" Emmet asked looking at Ryan and Neil who both just nodded.

"Yeah, I'm actually gonna get going too." I looked toward the bedroom door were Paul and now Nicole were hiding away.

"Don't worry, we'll tell them you said goodbye." Neil gave me a light smile and I turned on my heels to head for the door were Emmet was waiting paitently with my coat in hand, always such a gentleman.

"You guys sure you dont want to take some pizza for the road?" Sharon asked stepping over to us hugging Emmet and then me. Everyone said their respective versions of good bye ,and Emmet and I, both just waved back.

"Never been a big pizza fan, thank you though." Emmet didn't smile when he said that but he didn't mean and hostility. Opening the door, he lead me out into the hall and Sharon waved us off as we stepped on the elevator. We rode in silence, I wanted to reach out and touch his shoulder but he seemed to far away even we he was only a step ahead of me. My phone went off in my coat pocket and pulling it out I saw the message was from Damian.

_Us lads are worried about Emmet would you mind staying with him a bit longer?_

I glanced up and Emmet who stood in front of me his hands deep in his jean pockets with his dark blue t-shirt devoiding light from the area. I sent a message back.

_Don't worry I'll watch over him a little longer._

As we walked out into the parking lot Emmet froze for a moment in the cold air, in fear or sorrow, but in a strange look of relief. He was probably glad to be out of the room.

"Em?" I called to his attention and he turned around to look at me. "Come on." I nodded my head toward my red truck and he followed me with a light smile. I wasn't quite sure where we were going just yet but I was gonna figure it out soon. He got in the passenger side, and I got in the driver side and took off through the parking lot to the main road where I turned right with a hope it would take me exactly where I wanted to go, sure enough it did. I found the little restaurant easilly and as I pulled into the very small lot Emmet looked at me with a confused look. "I know you're hungry and this place has really good burgers." I got out of the truck and Em was only a step behind. Walking into the small room the bell dinged.

"I'm sorry we're-" A woman walked over thin in frame with curly black hair streak with irish green. "Colm? Oh please come sit down. How are you? Who's your friend?"

I smiled. "Hi Órlagh. This is Emmet Cahill."

"Oh the Emmet Cahill of Celtic Thunder?" See asked checking him over.

"Yep thats me." Emmet gave a sweet smile that made her blush lightly.

"Well pleasure, what can I get you boys?" She had menus in her hands but I knew what both me and Emmet wanted.

"Could we just have two of the specials please? We're really hungry." I gave her a breif hug and kiss to her cheek before sitting with Emmet in a small corner booth.

"Absolutely, what do you want to drink?" Emmet and I both just ordered water and as she skipped off with a smile on her face, her skip just a bit higher then most peoples.

"Friend of yours?" Emmet looked after her and then back to me, he seemed lightly amused which was good, it was nice to see him something other then solemn.

"A few years ago she graduated from college and came here to Dublin with her girlfriend to escape her family, I met them at one of my gigs at a bar and we just hit it off, so until like a year ago I lived with her. Since I've joined Celtic Thunder I haven't been able to see her so much."

"Her family, didn't approve?" Emmet's brow furrowed, but his eyes held interest not sorror meaning this was taking his mind off of his sadness.

"No, and most of her friends didn't." I looked down at the table, I didn't understand prople that couldn't accept others, that just seemed wrong. Why couldn't more people be like Emmet? Kind, caring, handsome...wait what? I shook of the really weird and random thought.

"And you know what?" Órlagh walked back up with our drinks. "When I got away from those people I realized didn't accept all of who I am, I meet someone who did and I've never been more happy." She lightly rubbed my shoulder as she spoke smiling down on me. "True my girlfriend left me about 2 monthes ago, but you know what? I have be able to be the person I want to be, and I know I'm gonna find more people like Colm-Wolm here." She lightly pinched my cheek and I just laughed shaking her off. "People who love and accept everything about me."

"Good for you." Emmet gave her a genuine smile and then he smiled at me.

"Your food will be out soon." She gave my hair a tussel then skipped back to the kitchen.

"Probably shouldn't have just left everyone." Emmet picked up his fork and started spinning around in his hand, playing with it.

"Damian actually texted me a little bit ago asking me to stay with you to make sure you're okay." I leaned back in my chair relaaxing.

"Yeah I figured." He accidentally dropped his fork which made a light clatter, Emmet just picked the metal up and started playing with it again. Our food came, we ate, sat, talked till well past midnight and then Órlagh said she did have to go home at some point so we excused ourselves and made our way out to my truck. It had started raining outside and as we got into the cab of the big red monster I got for my birthday we were almost soaked and I wasn't sure if it was safe for me to be out on the road.

"You okay to be driving out in this storm?"

"Yeah I'm fine, want me to drop you back off at your car?"

"Yeah, that's cool with me." Emmet gave me a smile. Getting through the rain was easy, and it wasn't that I was scared of getting hit by a car as my huge truck could easily eat anything smaller, but I was scared of losing control of this hulking behemoth and thus I drove strictly both eyes and both hands on the wheel. Emmet noticed my vigilance, gave me a smile then turned his head out the window. I'm not sure what made Emmet think of it but something snap in his head, and with the jerk made me curious so I looked over for a second. A single second. A person rounded a corner in a truck as big as mine and the lights took me by surprise and I had to swurve to avoid getting hit. The action past quickly but it definetly scarey.

"Colm you okay?"

"Yeah I just didn't see that guy. Whats up? You look like you had a thought." I refocused on the road even more instensely.

"Yeah, I live in a small little house just right over here, would you mind maybe kinda staying over until its more safe to be on the roads?" I smiled and agree'd, Emmet gave me the directions and slowly but surely we made our way over to his house. It was just a small one story little building in between two others very much like it with no real yard. Dashing for the door we had to make do without umbrellas and as we entered the house my nose was greeted with the amazing scent of lavender, and a woods-like musk, it smelled just like Emmet. I could hear Emmet moving in the dark house but no matter how many times the light switch clicked the light didn't reveal itself. "Damn, I'm sorry the powers out." Emmet left from the entrance and ventured into the dark room and I just stood in the insanely dim light of a streetlamp. Off in a next room Emmet lit a candle that illuminated the living room where I stood and the dining room he stood in only slightly. I walked into the dining room that had two doors and a arch branching off of it, as Emmet lit more candles that were scentless.

"It's okay. My appartment probably isn't much better." I laughed and Emmet ducked into the arch that i guessed lead to the kitchen as Emmet came back with a bag of crisps.

"Still hungry?" I chuckled and he just shrugged. He set the bag on the table where a couple of lit candles were the only light source. He gripped one side of his couch and swung it so it was facing the dining room and was drenched in candlelight.

"One of my closest friends just died and this is how I cope." He swiped the bag and collapsed on the couch with a dull expression. The actuality of his words sank over me and I felt my smile slip away. I glaned at the closed front door and then plopped down next to Emmet. He held the bag toward me, and unresponsively I reached in grabbing a few. We sat in silence, George was gone. We had just spent a couple hours trying to forget it, ignore it, but we wouldn't see him later. Not alive anyway. We had a funeral to plan and yet me and Emmet were just sitting here eating. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came. George was gone. A tear rolled down my cheek and Emmet looked over at me and just examined my face, worried.

"I can't even fathom what Paul is going through right now." I spoke slowly watching the candles in front of us twist and dance in and out of exsistance. Emmet didn't answer and just finished chewing. We sat in another moment of silence. I looked over at him, he stared back at me. We both felt horrible, it was obvious by our stares. Tears started pouring out of Emmet's eyes and he shut away the sharp grey-blue color away from me. His hands twitched to go to his face but he remembered that they had slat on them and stopped them mid-way. Tears fell out my eyes too, but I managed to quickly take off my jacket and I grabbed his hands in both of mine cleaning both mine and his on my jacket. I threw it to the ground and moved the bag in his hands and he started crying harder, making the tears fall out of my eyes faster. I repressed the urge to make a sound as I wrapped my arms around him. He clasped onto my shirt and I pulled him against the back of the couch.

My tears fell into his hair and he cried into my shirt, he tried to stop making sound but it caused him to hiccup and choak on his own tears. "You're okay." I drew in a shaky breath as I held him close. The rain pelted on the house creating a steady hum, as the occasionally thunder would rumble creating a brilliant flash that would remind me I had my eyes closed trying not to cry hard then I was. Neither, Emmet nor I, had cried since we heard the news and we both just couldn't hold back anymore. I don't know how long we layed there for, but we stayed right there holding onto each other, his shoulder shaking with the rhythm of his eyes and my shaking with my trembling heart, I wanted to say something, anything. I didn't want him crying any more, I wanted, I NEEDED to do something to make him feel better. I wanted to... No. I refused to think about it, I couldn't. I couldn't be with Emmet, I couldn't lead him on, not with everything thats going on, not with everything that's happened. I cringed and he seemed to respond. He tried to pull himself up wiping his eyes like a child, but I pulled him back down against me. We laid there, his body against mine and at some point he fell asleep.

He looked absolutely peaceful, free of pain and loss, which made me even sadder. I stopped crying and pull him on top of me as I laid down on my back. Just for tonight I wasn't gonna let anything stop me from holding him, from feeling him next to me as I fall asleep and probably dream about him. I closed my eyes again and for the final time slowly drifting off into oblivion where dreams and sleep found me.

The white sand reflected the light, the warm breeze spun and twisted around us. Emmet and I were laying on a hammock, his arms around me, my arms around him. Both of us in our swim trucks, smiling and content. Off in the distance that was so far away I could hear the waves crash and the seagulls sing their songs. I looked up at him and he was just smiling down at me. He closed his eyes and laid his head back.

"Colm." The voice was familiar and it wasn't Emmet's. I moved off of Emmet and got off the Hammock and there he stood. He was in a pair of green swim trucks and a white t-shirt. His shiny bald head reflected some of the light. The Scotsman gave me a gentle smile.

"I'm dreaming." I shook my head in disbelief. George just smiled at me.

"You are." He nodded.

"But you're here?"

"Kinda. I was allowed to see Paul and you one last time." He sat down in a lounge chair behind him and reclined, the hot sun was bathing us over.

"Why me?" I shook my head again in disbelief as I sat on my knees in front of him, feeling the warm sand squished under my weight.

"I know your secret Colm." I looked down at his words. "You're not broken, you can still be with Emmet." He looked past me back to the two palm trees where Emmet seemed to be sleeping in the shade. "It wasn't your fault."

"How do you know that?" I wanted to believe him.

"You know something cool, when an angel is actually in your dreams you can't have nightmares." His scottish accent was still as thick as ever, it was nice to hear it actually. I looked up at him, he gave me a fatherly smile. "Colm, horrible things will happen in your life. Several have already happened, but you know what? You still met Emmet. You feel like you're horrible and broken? Well then why would you be allowed to meet Emmet? Isn't Emmet, special to you?"

"Of course he is!"

"He feels broken too. He has a problem with his temper, but you make him a better person, everyday you teach him to have a little more patience. You are not a monster Colm, not for what happened to you, but it's your choice: do you want to be with him?" The sun started setting and with that George's imagine started fading away.

I opened my eyes to the sound of birds chirpping, the morning sun was shining through the window onto Emmet's back and for the first time I saw the inside of his living room. The walls were a dull irish green with the occasionally picture of him with family. I looked down and he seemed to feel that I was awake. His eyes fluttered, the steel grey was sinking in a ocean of blue making his iris color, and he slowly looked up at me. I gave him a smile and he looked around for a second trying to register everything that happen. He pulled himself off of me and stood up.

"Colm? Oh, I'm sorry I didn't mean to sleep on you, I'm sorry." He reached his hand out and pulled me to my feet, our faces just centimeters apart. He looked at me for a minute, gave me a sweet smirk then started leaning toward me. My heart started racing and I pulled away heading for the door.

"I better get going, I'm going to go see if Damian is up yet." I unlocked the door and was about to step out onto the front step. Emmet was behind me and grabbed the door from me, I turned around and again was greet with his face being close enough I could feel his eyes burning into mine, I could see his thoughts on his lips as he slowly closed his eyes and leaned forward, he was about to kiss me.

Each heartbeat sound like a cannon as I realized that this was the choice, should I let him kiss me? or not? If he kissed me, I would have to tell him my secret I would have to let him in my life. I closed my eyes. I wanted that. I wanted Emmet. He got closer, his lips almost touching mine then suddenly it wasn't Emmet in front of me, it was HIM.

"I can't." I whispered out against him, my eyes still closed.

"Why not?" Emmet whispered back.

"I..I..I-" I needed a reason, my heart started pounding in terror as the memories started flooding back. "I'm straight!" I opened my eyes to see his wide with fear and confusion. I turned on my heels and ran to my truck and realized I missed my chance. I could have had him and instead I lied to him. I drove away with a confused Emmet on his doorstep and an ache in my heart. My fear had won, I was a monster.


	2. Part 2

What was the last thing I said to him? Good night? I love you? No.. I think it was 'don't forget in the morning we are meeting with the tour manager'. How inconsequential, could I really have not just said 'good night, I love you'? I had said it to him but I had said it like an hour before I actually went to bed and I saw he was still awake reading. I kissed his shiny bald forehead and he just smiled back and said 'sleep well'. That's it. That was the last time I would ever hear his voice, it was the last time I would ever see him smile at me, and I wasted it on 'don't forget in the morning we are meeting with the tour manager'. I stared up into the dark of the room. A knock in the dark disrupted my thoughts.

"Paul, it's Nicole. I'm gonna come in, okay?" I heared the door open behind me and I just stared forward into the black void. "Paul?" The weight of the bed shifted, and I felt Nicole sit down and rest a hand on my back. I had stopped crying just a few minutes before but I didn't trust my voice to speak. My eyes hurt. My body hurt. My heart hurt the most over all and I felt like the world wasn't allowed to have anything other then black. Nicole pulled on my shoulder and rested me back on her lap. I was now looking up at her concerned face, the dim light of a streetlight that was bearly peaking through a window that seemed far off.

Her hand gently rubbed against my cheek pushing off any tears that may have been resting there. I didn't smile, I didn't thank her. I couldn't. "Paul, everything is gonna be okay. Even though it doesn't seem like it, everything will be okay in the end."

"He died. His life ended. Is everything okay since he ended?" I was angry that she would say that we were gonna be okay and the few cracks of sorrow that hid in my sentences were replaced with a deeper darker sound. It was my voice, but...it wasn't. She opened her lips to talk but nothing came out. "Because it looks like when George's life ended we all started crying." I didn't feel a scowl cross my face, but I sure as hell wasn't smiling either. Another low knock on the door followed by the sound of a hinge squeaking this time it was Ryan's voice.

"Paul, Nicole." Nicole turned to look, I didn't. "Come get food, ye' both need te' eat." I got off of Nicole's lap and she got off the bed quickly walking out of the room I pulled myself to my feet and Ryan just stood at the door waiting for me.

"I'm not hungry." I turned to look at him. His arms were crossed and his face looked solemn.

"Paul, ye' need te' eat." He stepped toward me. The scent of food was around us yet I couldn't smell it. Behind Ryan I saw Neil peek into the room before walking away from the door. "Paul." He used a tone that sounded commanding. It was a tone he learned from George. George always said that if he left he would leave Ryan in charge. A bolt of adrenaline ran through my body and I gripped the front of his shirt in my hands, and with the strength I had I pulled him into the air. We exchanged a look. His cold steel eyes of blue stared at mine, he wasn't scared, distraught maybe, but not scared. I set him back down and I felt my knees go weak. I started to fall but Ryan supported me. I was gripping to his shirt in anger now, I was gripping it in desperation. I need someone to support me, to hold me. I needed George. He hugged me close before he started pulling me. He lead me out into the livingroom and everyone just continued eating. Ryan let go of me and handed me a plate with pizza.

Keith and Damian were sitting near each other, as Laura, Sharon, David, and Neil were all gathered around the table with a single empty chair. Ryan sat next to Neil and gave him a quick reasuring smile. I sat on the couch across from Damian, and I noticed that Colm and Emmet were missing.

"Where did Celtic Comet go?" I tried to pull together a good attitude as I looked around the room. Ryan gave me a small refirming smile.

"They left a little bit ago. Colm's still with Emmet." Damian looked up from his plate and his typically sparkling blue eyes seemed darker, almost...cold. George had been like a father to him, and now he was gone. I wasn't the only one to be affected. Keith looked up at his boyfriend and took his hand into his own. They were always cute together, Keith was always so helpful, was it weird that Keith was also seven years older than Damian? George would say 'no It's romantic', and then he would just laugh at me. I chewed on my food but I couldn't taste it. Another bite, no flavor. Silence fell again. Laura and Nicole talked quietly. Sharon looked over at me, suddenly my phone rang. Loud and shrill, I pulled it out of my pocket. I didn't matter who it was, unless the name that came up was George I didn't want to answer it. Miranda's name along with a picture of her smiling on the beach, it was a vacation we had taken together in Japan right before I got the call about Damian's head injury.

"Yes?"

"I just heard, I'm so sorry Paul." Her voice was sincere, cold, and something sounded wrong. Wrong? In my mind I chuckled darkly, 'a lot was wrong right now' I thought to myself as I waited for her to continue.

"Who told ye'?"

"Nicole told Laura who told Hayley who told Rachel who told me." Her voice was empty, hollow, and was devoid of any sympathy. Was she angry at me?

"What's wrong?" I asked the question with the irony, in its mocking darkness, ringing in my ears. No response. We both breathe in an uncomfortable synchronicity. I pulled the phone back to stare at it a moment and just look at it. "Are ye' mad at me?"

"No." Her voice didn't sound convincing. "Are ye' alone?"

"No, we're all at Ryan and Neil's if you want te' join us."

"Umm.. It's okay. I'm really sorry for whats happened Paul, I will see you later." She hung up before I could respond and I stared after the phone in silence.

"Is she mad at you?" Damo asked as if he was waiting in suspense.

"I don't think so..." I shrugged my phone back into my pocket and finished eating. We all talked comfortably, and quietly. Nobody brought him up and I knew they wanted me to say something before they started.

"Has anyone managed te' get ahold off his ex-wife." I asked coldly standing in the kitchen pouring myself another drink.

Everyone waited a second and I could feel sorrow tugging at my tear ducts.

"Yeah, I let her know." Sharon's voice was strong and independent, She didn't sound sad but did sound dishearted.

"We should probably start planning for..." I didn't finished the sentecne, I couldn't. My knees felt weak. I felt like I was about to fall. I managed to pull myself into a chair and I think everyone there knew exactly what I was feeling.

"Paul, for now let us greive. We can do all of that later." Sharon was now sitting next to me, and she rest a hand on my shoulder. Laura whispered something to Nicole and she just nodded.

"Hey guys Laura and I are gonna get going. It's getting pretty late. We will call and check on you guys tommorow" She gave us all a light smile and they gave out their farewell hugs. David, Sharon, Damian, and Keith all left a little while later leaving me with Ryan and Neil.

"I guess I'm gonna ge-"

"No." Neil interuptted me instantly. "You're gonna stay here tonight, the guest room is all yours." Neil looked over to Ryan for agreement and of course the dark haired irishman just gave me a half smile with a nodd. I also nodded back before stepping foreward hugging both Ryan and Neil in one grasp.

"Thank you. Both of you." They hugged me back wordless but I knew they were smiling.

When I was allow I cried a little bit more, but found that my heart hurt but I didn't have any tears left. Luckilly sleep found me quickly actually it found me the moment my head hit the pillow. My head must have kicked into overdrive and I felt like I was falling. I was already dreaming and I noticed that it seemed the space around me was getting brighter and brighter with each second I fell farther down. Landing with a thud I reallized I was laying on a cobblestone roadway. Getting up I noticed the building were old and mostly brightly color. People were all walking by seeming not to notice me at all, talking in language I didn't know. I was in Paris. I had been here a couple times before but never as much as I wanted too. I pulled myself off the ground and started walking with the flow of people.

I didn't pass anything that looked famillar, but I did notice that the crowd was dispersing the more I walked with it. Soon I came to a bridge with nothing mroe then an old couple and a school girl by my side. I gazed over the eleborate bridge and smiled in appreciation. It was quite beautiful and the air was nice and warm as the breeze just flowed lightly around everything. About halfway over the bridge I realized a man was standing on the opposite side gazing down at the water, what made me realize this man was that he wasn't moving, unlike everyone else around him. I stopped watched him inquizitively before I walked over to him. I leaned next to him on the railing looking down at the water which seemed busy with fish and birds, before I looked over at his face.

"George?"

"Ye' haven't forgotten me yet have ye'?" A wide grin spread across his face and I just stared in wonder. "I wanted te' see ye' one last time." He turned his eyes back to the water, tossing in a handful of crumbs.

"This is a dream right?" I reached out to touch his shoulder. His t-shirt was soft and wrinkled as I have it a light tug.

"Kinda."

"Is this about te' be a nightmare?" He gave me another smiled and his eyes twinkled with a glint of humor.

"You know something cool, when an angel is actually in your dreams you can't have nightmares." He turned te' face me grabbing my hand. "I was given this one last time with you because I know what might happen if I don't get the chance te' say this." I just stared at him waiting for him to unveil what he meant. He gently put his arms around my waist and pulled my arms up around his neck. " I love ye' Paul." He looked deep into my eyes and I stared back into his. I felt the tears start falling down my face. I was being granted my wish, I was allowed to tell him I love him one last time but then he would be gone for good.

"I won't say it, I won't let ye' go." I tighten my grip on his shirt. He held me on the bridge in the summer air. This is what I wanted. I wanted te' be with him in Paris the city of love, I didn't want te' have te' plan his funeral.

"Paul. This is okay, this is whats right. It was me' time te' go." He still was smiling down at me which made the pain seem to hurt worse.

"Why!?" I screamed out.

"Because ye' needed a guardian angel." He leaned down and kiss my forehead and I turned my face upward to kiss his lips. One last time, I told myself. "I love ye' George more then anything else!"

He was there, then he was gone.


End file.
